Picard Trilobite Boxing
by false-crisis
Summary: Carefully researched using all available canon materials, this story explores the probably outcome and ramifications of the Enterprise D crew travelling to the Star Wars universe.
1. Chapter 1

The Enterprise-D was flying around through outer space in an extremely cool fashion when ALL OF A SUDDEN Commander Data detected a huge emission of faggaton particles coming from a black hole.

So Data goes: "Hmm Captain, there appears to be a huge emission of faggaton particles coming from that black hole over there, sir. It is highly illogical!"

And Picard's all like: "I suspect that such a phenomenon is indicative of an extremely gay spacial anomaly, or my earl grey isn't hot."

Data agrees! "Indeed, sir. Faggatons are a theoretical particle predicted by certain extremely homosexual interpretations of relativistic quantum subspacial interphasic time-space equations."

"Wow, let's go through that black hole," ejaculated Wesley Crusher. "It sounds awesome!"

Picard could only cock his eyebrow, as if to say, "Jesus Christ, what the fuck?" Turning to Worf, he then said, "make it so!" And Mr. Worf pushed the button to shoot Wesley out of the airlock for being a stupid fag.

Seriously, Geordi installed a "shoot that stupid faggot out of the airlock" button last week for just such an occasion. It was only a matter of time before it was used on Ensign Crusher. However, the remaining non-gay crewmen traded glances, realizing that they had not seen the last of Mr. Crusher, and if he got brought back in to the story later on they could at least count on him being at least a little bit less lame.

Commander Riker then interrupted the cheering by saying, "We still have to explore that black hole, don't we? I mean, it kind of is our job."

Picard answered, "I'm afraid you're right, number one. Raise super anti-gay shields and take us in."

So they went through the black hole into a new universe!

Truly, this was a truly strange universe, strangely enough. There was loads of data about different universes in Federation records: evil universes, Borg universes, universes where eels never evolved, universes where "Star Trek Enterprise" never happened – but never had any ship in all of Federation history encountered a universe even half as gay as this butt-stuffing queerzone.

Yes, this land of cocksucking queendom was occupied by jizz-guzzlers so ass-fuckingly homosexual that they were too gay even to invent transporters. So queer were these ball-licking swishes that they were too busy taking turns anally-fisting each other to come up with a better way to fight than waving goddamn glow sticks at each other like butt-pirates. Indeed, this could only be the land of STAR WARS, realm of pure faggotry.

"Sir, the quantum signature of this universe is unbelievably gay!" observed Data, correct as ever.

"Captain, a giant gay Christmas ornament is hailing us," announced Mr. Worf.

"On screen!" said Picard.

Some old gay fag appeared on the view screen. You could just look at him and tell that he wasn't as cool as Picard, or the original crew in the later Star Trek movie sequels. He wasn't the badass kind of old guy: he was just a colossal faggot.

"Dur, look at me, I'm the Grand Muff Tarkin! You better do what I say, or my fruity flying testicle of doom, which I call the 'Death Star', is gonna blow you up! I command you to let me suck all of your dicks! Permission to come aboard! Pun intended!"

"Denied!" said Picard, ever-defiant towards the tyranny of evil. Yes, this champion of the human spirit would not be cowed by such threats. "Tolerance and understanding are the foundations of what makes us truly human. Yet, still: no thanks, chum."

"Dur!" responded Tarkin. "Face the wrath of the mightiest weapon in the universe! Charge up the weapon! Charge it to double capacity! Keep on charging! Dur, I suck!" It seriously took like fifteen minutes just to charge the goddamn weapon up, even though no weapons from the Star Trek universe take even half that long, most likely because the Star Trek universe isn't populated entirely by retards and faggots.

The entire bridge crew of the Enterprise went to go play ping-pong on the holodeck because they were bored out of their fucking minds. Note that they don't have holodecks in Star Wars because they're morons. Mr. Worf stayed behind on the bridge to "battle" the "Death Star" and he amused himself by watching "The Hidden Fortress" on the little screen dealie on his console.

"This movie is as awesome as the great Klingon epics," noted Worf. "It is unfortunate that certain directors with no talent dishonored themselves by plagiarizing it to sell toys to five-year-olds and imbeciles."

"We are now ready to shoot you!" announced Tarkin. "I shall now go watch gay porn to celebrate!"

"Worf to Picard. Shall I raise shields?"

"Don't bother, Mr. Worf," responded Picard, from the holodeck. "I don't want to divert any power away from this exhilarating ping pong match."

"Understood, sir."

Then, the Death Star fired its ULTIMATE DEATH BEAM at the Enterprise. What a harrowing moment it was, filled with drama! Can the Enterprise-D possibly survive an assault from the most deadly weapon in the whole Star Wars universe? Yep, it didn't even make it through the navigational shields.

"Shall I return fire, sir?" asked Worf of Picard.

"Eh, I'd rather not waste the ordnance. Throw a rock at them if it will make you feel better."

So Worf opened a space-window and threw a rock at the Death Star. It was actually his pet rock, but it was time for it to meet its honorable death.

Naturally, the rock hit the Death Star's ONE WEAK POINT, and blew up, taking out about fifty super star destroyers with it. No surprise there, of course.

Worf's pet rock survived the epic battle and went on to destroy another 20 Imperial super-weapons, 155 super star destroyers, and slayed 321 Sith lords in one-on-one combat before finally getting bored and committing honorable suicide. But that is a tale for another time.


	2. Chapter 2

The adventure continues!

Having easily defeated the alleged "ultimate power in the universe", Picard elects to explore a nearby planet, Coruscant, with an away team.

Realizing that the experience will no doubt be an extremely gay one, Picard eats a coruscant roll with some earl grey to steady his nerves before transporting down.

And transport down, they do! Appearing on some metal-looking sidewalk somewhere, the Enterprise-D bridge crew are immediately recognized as superior godlike beings by all observers, since nobody in this whole universe has ever so much as seen a fucking transporter before. Indeed, in spite of being a thousands-upon-thousands-of-years old civilization, these monkeys are as far behind Star Trek as cavemen are behind 21st-century humans.

But danger is afoot! Two obviously-gay robots appear from nowhere, hoping to defeat Commander Data! They introduced themselves as R2-D2 and C-3P0, and they weren't just at the regular level of gay – they were ultra-super-gay. Seriously, C-3P0 spoke forty billion languages, all with a lisp.

C-3P0 lunges forward, trying to strangle Data with a pink boa! But our beloved android friend will not fall for a such a simple trick, and he knocks them both out with one punch of his super-android strength. Socko!

"Oh dear!" exclaimed C-3P0, correctly observing that he was totally outclassed. Only Data's mercy prevented the clearly-gay droid from being ground into microchips.

The away team was safe... for now.

Wait, no they weren't! Because then Chewbacca appeared! And he roared like a giant homosexual poodle.

"What the hell is that thing supposed to be?" laughed Picard.

"It's a form of furry or 'bear' called a wookie, sir," answered Geordi. "They mostly lurk around around rest stop bathrooms, looking for unsuspecting people to anally violate. The ship's computer warned me about them before we beamed down."

"Well, somebody take care of it," said Picard.

Dr. Crusher punched it in the face, and the stupid hairball-looking thing was completely knocked out. It really didn't stand a chance.

"I've never been so bored in my entire life," noted Commander Riker. "Maybe if we go investigate the Jedi temple, this planet will seem slightly less stupid."

"I suppose so, number one. Data, what do you know about the Jedi?"

"They are a religious order dedicated to pure faggotry. When they are not doing each other up the ass with glowing dildos that they call 'lightsabers', they abduct children. Also, they support owning robots and clones as slaves."

The away team's journey to the Jedi temple ended the only way that it could: in the discovery of a huge gay orgy of Jedi fags.

"I did not need to see that!" exclaimed Commander Riker.

Suddenly: two Jedi sprang forth to defend the sanctity of their circle-jerk playland!

"Duuuhhh... I'm Obi-wan Kenobi, and this is my life-partner, Annie Skywalker. We're going to chop you up with our rainbow-colored light dildos!" The two feeble "warriors" unholstered their faggy sex toys and brandished them in an effeminate manner.

Drooling on himself in utter stupidity, Annie lept forward to destroy his foes! While making no effort to defend himself! Without his life partner for backup! In spite of the fact that the situation was clearly hopeless! What might have appeared to be shameless, arrogant bravado was actually gay stupidity in its most concentrated form. Needless to say, the Worf just shot him while laughing his ass off.

"Duuuhhhh... well, you guys can't defeat me!" exclaimed Obi-wan. "With my mastery of Jedi defense, I can defend against any phaser shot using my faggy rainbow sword!"

So Mr. Worf and Captain Picard just both shot him at the same time.

"Argh!" screamed Obi-wan. "How could I have ever predicted that two people might shoot me at the same time, from slightly different angles! This goes beyond anything the most brilliant Jedi in the universe could ever have anticipated! If only I had thought to carry two lightsabers! But then, if three people had shot at me..." Thankfully, he then died, shutting him the fuck up once and for all.

At last, the away team was completely safe and in no danger at all... or so they would have been, had Mace Windu not suddenly popped out of nowhere!

"You have indeed faced much gayness," Mace Windu said. "Yet my purple blade of queerosity shall cut you down!"

"Unless we just shoot you from a distance," observed Geordi.

"Your phasers are useless against me," Mace boasted. "You fail to realize that I can easily disarm you with my telekenetic force powers! If I'm not too busy using them to molest children!"

Picard, who had been nearly bored straight out of his goddamn skull by the undeniable gayness of the proceedings, now had his interest aroused. "Is that true, Data?"

"One would think so, sir," answered Data. "The Jedi do possess force powers, and should, in theory, be able to easily disarm any attacker who lacks them, or even quickly defeat any foe by manipulating their internal organs. Though they are restricted by the Jedi code, they could easily accomplish this without inflicting any permanent damage. However, in practice this is rarely the case, and even fairly powerful Jedi fight on roughly equal footing with bounty hunters."

"Why would that be, Mr. Data?" asked Picard. "I need answers!"

"My current hypothosis is that the Jedi are retarded buttfuckers who cannot do anything right and who therefore forget they have powers half the time," Data responded.

"That's ridiculous," Mace protested. "I could put every one of your dumb asses on ice in half the time that –" but he was suddenly disintegrated by a hail of phaser fire, thankfully bringing an end to his extremely stupid speech. His faggy purple lightsaber blade retracted into its gay handle, and in a homosexual fashion, dropped to the floor, with a seriously queer thud.

"Only one more faggot remains," observed Commander Riker, "Kermit the Frog: Fagmaster of all Jedi."

Thus did appear Kermit, the venerated Muppet, with dildosaber in hand. "Yoda my name is! Lame I am, and defeated you will be!" But he was like a thousand feet away, all the way on the other side of the temple. Being a retard, he naturally armed himself with a weapon that has the same attack range as a deformed kitten. And so Kermit was forced to run like a little sissy girl from one side of the Jedi Temple to the other.

"This is a bit sad," lamented Picard. "He's got about ten minutes of running on those stumpy little legs before he can even take a swing at us."

"Destroyed, you will be, or Yoda, my name is not!" cried Kermit, still running (like a faggot).

"I got my nephew something that looks just like him for Christmas," Picard said. "I'll feel remorseful if we kill it. Yet the Federation charter is clear: nothing as blatantly gay as that retarded-ass frog-thing may be allowed to exist. It's just far too homosexual."

Then Kermit got zapped with about twenty billion phaser beams at the same time. Though Picard was correct to note that it was a bit sad, it was also funny as fuck to see him explode into stuff while squealing like a stupid little bitch. Appropriately, everyone laughed at him.


	3. Chapter 3

"This has been gayer than playing choke-the-snake in a bathhouse during a power outage," said Commander Riker. "I think we've taken care of most of the gayness around here. Let's beam back aboard."

"Not so fast – fools!" cried an extremely gay voice. It sounded like the faggot voice of a My Little Pony villain who was trying way too hard to sound evil and failing miserably. And so it could only be the voice of Emperor Palpatine, Queen of the Sith and mighty Archlord of all turd-tappers.

The sissy-boy Sith Queen stepped out of an interdimensional portal in the fabric of space-time, followed closely by his boy toy butt buddies.

First among them was DARTH MAUL, the child-molesting horny (he's got horns, seriously) clown, and master of Tae Bo.

Behind him, and probably checking out his ass, was the sinister COUNT DOOKIE, the scatological lemon-partier.

Third was the infamous DARTH VADER. If you watch Star Trek, you're probably used to cybernetic parts being far and away superior to normal human ones in all aspects. Looks like Star Wars missed the memo yet again, because this overrated douchenozzle looks like the animatronic mascot of a dildo company. This fag walks like an old man right after being gangraped by mutant circus midgets. Oh wait, that's basically what he is!

Last and certainly least was DARTH LUKE SKYWALKER, emo girly-boy from a dark alternate future. This gay porn addict was trained for five minutes by Kermit the Frog and got his Sith certification from a two-week correspondance course diploma mill. He'd be doing good to make third place in a kindergarten-level kendo tournament at the Special Olympics.

"I have used my evil Sith powers to summon my minions from across the timeline," Emperor Paltpatine bragged.

The away team of cool Star Trek characters were laughing so hard at this gaggle of faggots that they almost failed to notice Wesley Crusher appear from the portal.

"Well, I had a hard time out there in space, but I guess I deserved to be shot out the airlock for being such an annoying little cunt all the goddamn time," said Wesley. "Luckily I fell through a black hole and popped out of that space-time rupture, somehow."

"Indeed you were a cunt," agreed Picard.

Wesley continued. "Even though I am still basically a total fag, I guess I will try to slightly redeem myself by putting a stop to this evil ABBA-appreciation society."

"Make it so," Picard said.

Due to his being a brain-damaged mongoloid, Emperor Fagatine was most pleased with this development. "The force is strong with you, young Crusher! Allow your anger to consume you, and you will become a most powerful ally to the Sith! Darth Maul is defenseless. He will not resist. Strike him down with your hate!"

Wesley disintegrated him with his phaser, as instructed.

"Good!" exclaimed the Emperor. "Very good. Now, kill Count Dooku, and you will have taken another irreversible step toward the dark side... yes! Well done, well done. Now you must destroy Darth Vader... yes! With his death, you have drawn ever-closer to becoming my pawn. Now eliminate Darth Luke Skywalker. He is unarmed. By striking him down, you will... yes! Good, good... And now only I remain. When at last you give in to your hatred and destroy me, you shall-"

But thank fucking Christ Wesley finally shot him, at last bringing an end to the millenia-long Sith chain of life-partner pederasty. Seriously, you'd think the Jedi would be able to kill two fucking people without screwing it up, especially when said two people are trying to kill each other 90% of the fucking time and trying to goad other people into killing them the other 10% of the time, but I guess not. I mean, they can't do anything else right, so why that? But the narrator digresses.

For his own part, Picard could but facepalm when presented with such a pitiful and truly queer sight. His amazing facepalm of power blew up the rest of the Jedi in the planet.

"Well, Wesley," Dr. Crusher asked, "did you turn evil?"

Wesley paused for a moment, as if sensing sinister impulses awakening within him. "Yes! I can feel the power of the dark side flowing through me, consuming my... no, wait. I'm still good. Apparently killing extremely evil people won't actually turn you evil yourself. That's pretty surprising, if you have an IQ under 20."

"Well then, I guess it's finally time to beam back aboard and head back to our own, not-gay universe," said Commander Riker. "Because I really think I've had about enough of this bullshit."

But Geordi disagreed! For he had just noticed Queen Amidala enter the room. "Maybe not, Commander. I think I've come up with a way to cut down – possibly even eliminate – the high levels of faggoton radiation in this universe."

"How is that possible?" asked Picard.

Geordi explained: "Faggoton radiation is pure gay energy. Now, think... what's not even remotely gay at all? What can you think of that's not even slightly homosexual even just a little bit."

"Lesbians," answered Data.

"Exactly," said Geordi. "But only if they're really hot. Queen Amidala! We need you to save the universe by getting it on with Counselor Troi here, in every conceivable position, over a period of several hours, using a variety of props and toys, while wearing various costumes, during which we'll be observing and recording using our tricorders."

"I don't know who any of you are, but okay," Amidala answered.

"It seems like something like this happens every time we land on a planet, lately," noted Counselor Troi.

The following several hours were awesome in their amazingness, a good time being had by all, Amidala and Troi in particular. It would take a lot of time to describe all the exact detail, so just imagine it. Then keep in mind that it was actually WAY BETTER then what you just imagined.

When they were finished, Amidala asked: "so, did we succeed at eliminating the faggoton radiation?"

Geordi laughed. "I was just kidding! I just wanted to see it you'd actually do it! Thanks for the memories. We'll send you royalties for the home DVD sales".

"That prank never gets old!" laughed Counselor Troi.


End file.
